Living out the dream of international slow travel with my children is amazing, but the excitement of our adventure is constantly threatened by my anxiety. Every day that I’m here I deal with low-level generalized anxiety, and it increases greatly every time we leave the house. Rather than pretend it’s not there or let it get the best of me, I’ve learned to acknowledge my feelings for what they are and sit with the discomfort without letting it rule my decisions.

I can’t always articulate exactly why I’m feeling anxious, but usually I’m able to readily identify the thoughts swirling around in my mind. For starters, when I leave the house, I usually don’t know:

• Exactly where I’m going. I always have a name or an address for the taxi driver, but as I’ve quickly discovered, the name and/or address may not be accurate or complete. I naturally have a horrible sense of direction, so it doesn’t help that I’m not learning my way around very quickly.
• What time it opens/closes. Some of the places I want to visit don’t have websites, and if they do, I can’t always locate the hours of operation. Add to this that the hours often seem completely random and are not always followed, we’re often left standing outside of padlocked doors or gates wondering what went wrong.
• How much it costs. Luckily, everything we’ve done has been far less expensive here in La Paz than at home, but it’s sort of hard to stick to even a loose budget when I never know how much I should expect to spend. This includes the taxi fare as it seems to only be tied to the mood of the driver we happen to get. Yesterday, it cost 15 bolivianos (the local currency) to get to the Children’s Museum but it cost 40 bolivianos to return home. Traffic was similar both ways, and it took exactly the same amount of time. Either way, it’s not much money ($2.17 vs. $5.79), but it’s just so unpredictable.
• If it will be kid-friendly. Although I’ve already located more than enough things to keep us busy while here, La Paz is not one of the most kid-friendly places to visit. The people love children, but many of the facilities just aren’t conducive to having a young brood in tow.
• The conditions of the bathrooms. Toilet paper is a luxury that should never be expected, so we bring a tissue pack when we leave the house. Soap and paper towel (or hand dryers) are a 50/50 shot, so hand sanitizer is also a must-have when we’re on the move. But most importantly, some of the bathrooms are just so disgusting that I’m not comfortable allowing the children to use them. I’m not talking about backwoods-truck-stop dirty. No, I mean hole in the ground, no toilet seat, black slimy stuff everywhere kind of dirty. And at the same time, the next bathroom may be absolutely lovely and well-appointed. No rhyme or reason. Add to this that 2 of my kids absolutely MUST have a bowel movement every single time we leave the house (but NEVER at home), and you can see why anxiety abounds.
• When we’ll be back. Well, since I don’t really know where we’re going, if it will be open, or if the children will enjoy it, I have to pack my backpack for a full day excursion even though we sometimes end up coming right back home. I’ve never been big on “promising” something to the kids when we’re home, but now I truly NEVER promise them anything because so much of my ability to deliver is out of my control.
• If the cab driver will know how to get back to our home. When we venture out of our immediate neighborhood, which is often, the taxi drivers don’t always know where our neighborhood is when I give them the name. And for some crazy reason, our street does not come up in any GPS apps. To overcome this, I give them the address to a nearby grocery store, and then I have to lead them to our exact house…in Spanish…and sometimes in the dark. Fun times.
• If I’ll be able to say what needs to be said in Spanish. I’m trying my hardest to communicate well in Spanish, and for the most part, I’m doing a decent job. But there are times when I want to say something and just can’t get my point across. Yes, I can use the offline downloaded version of Google Translate, but who on earth wants to sit there and wait for the slow American to pull up the right words on her phone, while people are often waiting in line behind me, while I’m keeping track of all the kids.
• What we will eat. Describing the food situation here could take up 5 posts on its own, but we pretty much have to bring all of our food with us when we leave the house. Occasionally, there are places near our destinations where we can possibly eat, but I never know ahead of time so I have to be prepared. Despite this, I sometimes find myself out of food with hungry little ones because I can only fit so much food in my backpack (along with diapers, wipes, bottled water, an umbrella, and more). We can’t just grab stuff on the run the way we can at home. Many of the street vendors and restaurants don’t adhere to the food prep and cooking guidelines that will keep us disease-free. We all received 2-3 vaccines for this trip (yellow fever, typhoid, Hep A), but I’m not trying to depend on those alone. In addition, from what I can tell, meat is the main food consumed here. And well, that kind of doesn’t click with the whole vegetarian thing. More on that in another post…
• If I’ll be able to find wi-fi. Because AT&T pretty much stinks, the best deal I can get for international phone usage requires that I have wi-fi for data usage. I can text for free and make calls at $0.50 a minute (Yikes!), but I don’t have any ability to pull up Google Maps or search for info when I’m away from a free network. This is anxiety-provoking because I’m either constantly searching for free wi-fi or completely reliant on strangers to provide information which requires me to correctly ask for what I need in Spanish and understand the response in Spanish…and it goes on and on. See how this is all interrelated?
• If we’ll be safe. I generally feel very safe in La Paz, so this concern isn’t any different than it would be in any new large city in the U.S. if I was walking around by myself with my kids. But add to that the language and cultural differences, and it can be a bit harrowing. I wear the baby in an Ergo so both of my hands are free, but that leaves 3 hands to be held. The driving laws here are…umm…non-existent? The cars drive fast and wildly, darting in and out and around, with no notice. And most importantly, humans do not ever have the right away. These are potentially deadly combinations when constantly moving with little ones – especially a certain 4-year-old boy who thinks he’s invincible.

And even when we’re not out and about, I’m wrestling with other things:

• If we’re getting out enough to experience all that this city has to offer
• If we’re staying home enough to complete the educational activities I’ve planned during this time
• If we’re making enough plans to visit other cities within the country
• If I’m spending too much money
• If I’m doing enough to help the children stay in touch with family & friends back home
• If I’m working hard enough to make new friends for both me and the children
• If I’m putting too much pressure on myself to speak Spanish well
• If I’m putting enough pressure on the children to speak Spanish
• If I’m letting the kids watch too much TV
• If I brought too much of the wrong stuff and not enough of the right stuff
• If we’re driving our hostess crazy
• If I’ll regret not going to amazing places due to my fear, like the salt flats
• Whether I miss my husband for who he is or what he does to make my life easier

As you can see, some of my concerns are legitimate. In fact, I think a lot of them are. Others are just opportunities for the enemy to attack me as I try to do something big and bodacious with my family. And I’m sure that it’s no coincidence that he turns up the volume whenever I turn my attention to our efforts to be a light here where we’re planted.

None of this negates the positive experiences we’re having, but the anxiety is real and palpable. It’s a part of this trip as much as anything else, and it’s something that I wasn’t able to anticipate prior to leaving. For our next trip (<<<Did I really just say that?), I’ll know to anticipate the generalized anxiety that may accompany our travels.