Dear Mama,
Your husband never does enough, and I get it.
You are single-handedly taking care of yourself, the kids…and him. He goes to work every day to support your family, and you appreciate him for that, but still. There are so many moments where a little extra helping hand would make your day so much easier. You would feel more appreciated and less exhausted at the end of the day if he would just do a little more.
He could actually leave the office when he says he’s going to leave.
He could not sit in the driveway listening to the end of that NPR story when he finally arrives home.
He could come in the house, roll up his sleeves, and start getting things done – brush teeth, load dishwasher, bathe kids, put the dinner he missed away, read a bedtime story – instead of getting the kids all worked up with a Dad vs. All wrestling match right before lights out.
Simply, he could help do all of the things that need to be done before you can sit. And breathe.
On weekends, he could skip the golf game that takes half the day to play. He could stop signing up for additional responsibilities at work, church, and in the community while you have a house full of little people who need and deserve so much time and energy.
He could get off the computer, phone, TV, Kindle…whatever. Why does he still have time for personal pursuits when you’re killing yourself just trying to get dinner on the table??? You love him, respect what he brings to your family, and want him to be fulfilled, BUT…
He never does enough.
Without ever really articulating it, this is what I felt about my husband before leaving on this Worldschooling adventure with my kids. Alone. I knew that we’d miss him, of course, but I really didn’t see how it would be THAT much different than when we’re at home because I’m the one doing everything.
Or so I thought.
Now that I’ve been completely without him for months, I realize that he was doing so many things to help that were going unnoticed and unacknowledged. He was showing his love with “acts of service” that I didn’t recognize or, in my superiority, chose to ignore.
They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder. Well, yeah. That’s true. But absence also gives you 20/20 vision. As I sit here thousands of miles away, I can see so clearly all of the ways he pitches in to make our home run smoothly, all of the ways he steps up to say, “I’m here.” Admittedly, I saw some of it before, but it just never seemed like enough.
But what is enough?
Nearly every one of his waking hours is spent doing something for me or the kids, either directly or indirectly. The things he does aren’t always done the way I want them to be done, so I wasn’t giving him credit for those moments.
He unloads the dishwasher but leaves the big things on the counter claiming he doesn’t know where they go. But he unloads the dishwasher every morning before he leaves for work!
He washes & folds laundry but frequently puts the kids’ clothes in the wrong dresser. I’m thinking, “Can’t he see that my 8-year-old can’t wear her 2-year-old brother’s ninja pajamas???” But he washes & folds clothes!
When he thinks I’ve had an overwhelming day, he comes home with a Costco pizza for dinner. But that’s soooo unhealthy. And the kids JUST had pizza at a party over the weekend. Twice in one week? Really??? But he wants to give me a break and bring a little Friday night sunshine to the kids!
He’s on the board of trustees at a local university, and has to attend meetings and other events. What’s the point of that??? Why isn’t he here with us…HELPING ME? But he’s serving and giving, trying to make life better for the next generation of community leaders and parents!
He’s on his computer when I need an extra hand wrangling wet kids, melt downs, and poopy diapers. But the next morning when I wake up, the cluttered mess that I was too exhausted to even look at has been picked up and put away…after I fell into the bed or in the wee hours before I woke up.
My husband works hard for our family.
He does his best at work and then continues to help all of us when he gets home. He gets up hours before me every single day and looks around to see what he can do before leaving for work to make my day a little easier. He calls on his way home from work to see if I need him to stop and get anything. And he walks into the house every night with a smile on his face ready to have FUN. Daddy is fun when Mama is exhausted, and the smiles he brings to their faces is certainly worth a few nights of sweaty pajamas and unbrushed teeth.
Is my hubby perfect? Nooooo (and neither am I!). But he is enough. He does enough. And I wish it hadn’t taken months away living & learning in a foreign country for me to see it.
Signed,
Your Humbled Sister
Wow! True confession sis!! I have had those thoughts too. But you and I are truly blessed… and we don’t say it enough. I learned some years ago to acknowledge his actions by expressing my gratitude out loud. It helps me exhale and changes my attitude, and it also helps the kids recognize the things their father does for our family. They learn that they can go to Daddy for help, when Mommy is busy. I feel joy and a little inner peace when that happens.
Absolutely! I’m actually looking forward to returning home with a spirit of gratitude towards him.
Hooray! I adore this post! I love the spirit of authenticity you approach each challenge in life with. I know Scott will love having you all home as well. Blessings to you, friend. (Screenshot captured.) 😉
Thank you! I’ll never forget the night years ago when we were together and I was complaining about him. You said, “Tell me something good about him.” That totally threw me off. Instead of playing into my discontent at that moment, you redirected me back to where my thoughts should have been. So great to have friends like you!
Wow. Makes me cry. I’ve been blind too. Thank you for opening my eyes.
Also screenshot captured 😘
It’s so easy to do! The beautiful thing is that humility allows us to hit the restart button at ANY time. And thank you for the screenshot 😉
So powerful…even to those of us who don’t have young kids or husbands! This speaks to recognizing what those in our lives DO do, even if it’s not how we would do it! I love your transparency about imperfect, messy, real life and all that comes with it. You definitely have a knack for this blog thing; Keep on writing.
That’s true! I can apply this to all of my relationships. Choosing to have gratitude for what everyone brings to table. And thank you for the compliment 😘
Amber this is awesome. Just to have someone at the end of the day who has fun with the kids and loves on them is worth keeping my husband. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you. And yes, my kids LOVE playing with their dad. And I’m thankful for it because I’m not a good ninja and I don’t like wrestling 😂
Thank you for the reminder. I spend so much time complaining when he’s the one working full time for us while we traipse around on vacation spending the money he makes! I should be glad he has the energy to be goofy at the end of the day since I’m usually done by then 🙂
I totally understand! It’s so easy to get caught up in what they’re not doing vs. being grateful for all the things they do. And YES to the energy to be goofy. I don’t know how they do it!
I just found this particular post and I found it a great encouragement to me. Thank you for putting these feelings into words. It really spoke to me about my attitude and how much I truly have to be thankful for in my husband and all he does, whether it is always how I would like it or not. Just the fact of doing something is what helps show that he is in this thing called marriage and life and parenthood with me. Thank you again for helping me to see how I can change my attitude and view of things to be more grateful!
I love hearing specifically how this helped you because it truly transformed my relationship with my husband. He saw the external change, but internally, my heart changed MUCH more than even that. I’m about to sign off the computer for now, and I will pray for you and your husband before I launch into my day. Be encouraged, sister!
Oh man, I needed to read this exactly today! I felt frustrated all evening last night and into this morning about MY husband who never does enough! But yes to all of this – gosh did I need this encouraging (and soft) wake-up call today! Thank you!! (glad to have found you via the 1000 Hours Outside podcast! I am a new follower of yours!)
Welcome! Thank you for taking the time to listen to that podcast episode. I had such a good time chatting with Ginny. I’m glad that you found this post and that it encouraged you to see your hubby a little differently. That makes me happy!