When I wrote about my family’s need to be around other black homeschoolers, I was scared to publish it. I was afraid to open myself up for unwanted criticism, but mostly I was afraid to lose friends. And even more importantly, I was afraid that I would be seen as a hypocrite.

I’m known for building bridges. I bring white and black people together, and I’ve been doing it my whole life – long before the term “racial reconciliation” came on the scene. 

I, like many others, am adept at operating with ease in any environment. I can get down with white people who have only heard of “blacks” on TV (though it’s admittedly not my preference) and black people who have never had a real conversation with a white person. I have always been the black girl in the room in a wide variety of white arenas, and I easily make genuine and loving friendships with white people. I have also always been very aware of being black and totally comfortable and beautifully at home in a sea of blackness. 

I have a lot of black friends. I have a lot of white friends. I know a lot of black people. I know a lot of white people. Depending on your background and experiences, you may see that as normal or as exceptional. I can make an argument for either.

My point is that I do the dance, and I do it well. I may tip toe or stomp my way through, but I can definitely move and groove with white folks and black folks.

I learned the dance out of necessity: I grew up in a white neighborhood and went to predominantly white schools K-12th grades. I never had a black teacher during any of those years, and I had a black kid in my class 3 times (maybe 4?)…in 13 years. I had to dance.

Hungry to know something different, I attended an HBCU (Historically Black Colleges & Universities) for undergrad and grad school. It was rough at first, and then I totally fell in love with it. I learned a new dance.

Throughout my adult life, I’ve found myself in a variety of circumstances that have called for my dancing shoes. Sometimes the shoes fit like gloves, and I happily bebop along. At other times, the shoes hurt and give me emotional blisters, but I never stop.

I wrote about why my kids need other black people, but that in no way means that I have or will say “Bye, Felicia!” to white people or the racial reconciliation work that has colored my life. But there are people who find  black homeschoolers intentionally seeking each other out to be offensive and hypocritical. 

I am not the black mom who was looking to meet other black homeschoolers in this exchange, but it was shared with me because I’ve been very vocal about how challenging it can be to definitively state that my kids need to be around other black people.

Please note that the white mom is “just so sick of people trying to keep the country divided…and make sure people recognize their skin tone instead of who they are.”

Umm…so I can rattle off at least 10 reasons why her ignorance comes through so clearly in her misguided and hurtful response to the black mom who is looking for other black homeschoolers, but I’ll try to keep it brief.

First of all, please note that she completely ignores the other white mom (an awesome ally) who asks her how she’d feel if she was the only white person in an all black community.

She tries hard to teach her children that “we are all God’s people and should be treated equally” while being white in a white homeschool environment with her white kids in a white community run by white people. Hmm. And while she’s doing life with her well-adjusted white kids feeling secure in their whiteness hanging out with all of the other many, many, MANY white homeschoolers in the area…doing white stuff, talking about white stuff, thinking like white people, and being super duper white…she has the audacity to tell a black mom that she should forget about her child’s mental and emotional health, that she should ignore the fact that her “invisible” skin color ensures she is hated by some and ignored by others and that it hurts like hell at times, and she should just suck up her blackness, keep her mouth shut, become gray, blend into the world of white people, and THEN all of the racial issues in our country will be solved. By black people. Being quiet. And alone. 

 And she said all of this in the name of God.

So yeah, I was scared to admit that I could’ve been that mom, posting on a local homeschooling FB page, hoping to find someone black to sit and “be” with. 

I was afraid that someone, or lots of someones, would think that by creating a safe space designed for black homeschoolers, I was effectively turning my back on the biblically-mandated call to love without racial bounds.

Dr. Gena Minnix, a white professor at the Seminary of the Southwest, said it best when she wrote “…Jesus sought to reconcile us on the deepest level where reconciliation is a verb—a process that never ends. On this level, maybe reconciliation looks like ongoing messy, authentic, inefficient, unprofessional, slow, loving participation in one another’s lives.”

Racial reconciliation is not a noun; it’s a verb. It’s not something you have or get; it’s something you do. The misguided white mom from the FB post above thinks racial reconciliation is something you get by turning a blind eye to reality. She thinks it’s a noun. Something that will appear when some of us stop being authentic and start being more like…her.

But since it’s a verb, it requires DOING. And she is not doing anything except breeding resentment. Everyone has a role and a sweet spot in the process. The work looks different for different people, but there is one part that stands out as critical: relationship.

 I am, and will always be, involved in “ongoing, messy, authentic, inefficient, unprofessional, slow, loving” relationships. Those relationships are hard and grace-filled. They require humility, patience, and obedience. They also require the one commodity that this homeschooling mama is short on – time. There’s no getting around that. It takes time to be intentional. It takes time to develop friendships. It takes time to know and be known. And without that, there is no racial reconciliation.

It is clear that this mom, and others like her, have not taken any time out of their lives to be in true relationship with black people. How do I know that? Because if she had some black friends…Correction: If she had even just one true black friend, she would intimately know and understand the fallacy of her argument. She would know that she, in fact, is part of the problem. And her color-blind proselytizing with her kids is creating yet another generation of white people who just…don’t…get…it.

I give time to my relationships with white people. I learn from them, and I share my truth. I explain how we’re different (and we are really different), but I also show them – many for the first time – how similar we are. This work is generally pleasant, and I feel called by Him to do it. 

But sometimes I get tired.

Building bridges is beautiful work, but it can be exhausting. It can also be frustrating and discouraging. And when my racial reconciliation work meter is on Empty, I want and need to be around black people. That is how I rest. That is how I get back to Full.

Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is a Sabbath to the Lord your God” (Exodus 20:9–10). 

Pastor Tim Keller says, “Although Sabbath rest receives a much smaller amount of time than work, it is a necessary counterbalance so that the rest of your work can be good and beneficial.”

Being a part of a black homeschool group feels like a tiny drop of Sabbath rest. It helps me get the rest I need so that my racial reconciliation work can be good and beneficial. 

Black community is certainly not the biggest or best source of true rest for my soul as I know that only He can truly provide…

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls” (Matthew 11:28–29). 

…but it is a little drop of earthly rest – like a nap. My black community gives me a break from being a black representative, from being politically-correct, from teaching/showing/explaining/ignoring. It gives me a chance to be filled up and continue the work that He’s leading me to do.

I know, without a doubt, that we were ALL made in His image. He loves us and does not see us as we see each other. Starting a black homeschool group was not meant to as a weapon against racial reconciliation or a plea for separatism. It is a survival mechanism.

So my family NEEDS to be around other black homeschoolers AND I am living out authentic relationships that demonstrate my solid commitment to racial reconciliation, the verb – not the noun.